About Me

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I'm Jesus baby girl, so imperfect but yet loved and forgiven by Him. I am 39 years old married to my high school sweetheart and I have a 17 year old daughter. I was in finance for approx 18 years but stay at home now as I suffer from Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Migraines and possibly Metobolic Muscle Disease. My priority in all I do is to bring Glory and Honor to God!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Perfectionist "Unglued"

“the emotional demands keep on coming. Unrelenting insecurity. Wondering if anyone appreciates me. Feeling tired, stressed, hormonal.

Feeling unglued is really all I’ve ever known. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s all I’ll ever be.

What kept me from making changes was the feeling that I wouldn’t do it perfectly. I knew I’d still mess up and the changes wouldn’t come instantly.

There is a beautiful reality called imperfect progress.

Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace…..imperfect progress.

Progress. Just make progress. It’s okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It’s okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again-and again. Just make sure you’re moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.

These honest words enabled me to begin rewriting my story. Not that I erased what came before, but I stopped rehashing it and turned the page afresh.”

These are just a few lines from two pages of Lysa TerKeurst’s newest book “Unglued.”  Wow, what a powerful punch these words provide. Imagine reading the entire book.  That is what a group of over 15,000 people are doing with Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Study (www.melissataylor.org) we have just read the first two chapters so far and I have already received so much from the book, the leaders and the other ladies in my small group on Facebook.

I mean let’s face it, life is hard on its best day, for someone who was raised as a perfectionist and that good, is not good enough, life, at times, just seems impossible.   I mean how are we to hold everything together with all the expectations not only others put on us but that we put on ourselves.  We are made to feel as if we should be superwoman all the time and if not, then we are not good enough.

I kept thinking I was doing well learning how to be a better person and how to handle things better but I still was fighting spiritual warfare, still coming unglued way too often.  I knew it was in my thought process but I couldn’t figure out the steps to take to fix it.  Well Lysa gave me those steps.  Every thought that comes in my mind, each individual one, I just stop and ask if it is a positive or a negative thought.  If it is positive, yay for me & God, if it is a negative thought then I try to find a way to correct it to make it a positive thought.  One major thought I had as I was reading the first two chapters was “where was this during the first 20 years of my marriage and when my only child, an eighteen year old daughter was growing up.” I then realized, God put this in my life now, for such a time as this.  Why I didn’t learn this before, I don’t know but He will let me know in His perfect time. For now, I am to continue focusing on God, this book, and being a better person today than I was yesterday. Does that mean I have it all figured out, not even close, but I am making progress, imperfect, slow, progress and for me, the perfectionist, it says a lot about who you can become when you allow God to work.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Are You Staying Productive or Just Busy

I read the following quote this morning:

"The essential question is not, "How busy are you?" but "What are you busy at?" ~ Oprah Winfrey

Whoa....wait a minute, why is this all of a sudden jumping off the page at me, I've read this quote numerous times from various sources.

Then the small voice inside me, which I know was the Holy Spirit, whispered to me, "This is for you and all your excuses. Remember when you were working and you kept saying you didn't have time to eat healthy? Get the remodeling done on your house and it back to being the home you were accustomed too?  Accomplish the writing I had asked you to complete? But most of all, you did not have the time for Me (Jesus) and My Word?  You kept saying "If I wasn't working it would be so much easier to.....? Well in 2009 you had to leave work because Lupus, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome had taken taken over your body. I allowed this so you would have the time you needed to eat healthier, get your house finished but mainly to have the time you needed with Me.  Imagine, however, that still didn't happy, so in June 2009 you were diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and since that time you have been mainly bedridden as treatment for one element of a disease causes set backs in recovery of other diseases.  Still, I'm not hearing as much from you as I should or would like too.  I'm seeing you are working with your daughter on the Ministry I wanted set up but it isn't as far along as it could be if you would spend more time with Me.  As far as your writing goes, there have been a few things done but nothing like what could have been if you were listening to Me. I have, however, noticed you have most of the daily television schedule memorized, you have become an expert on making excuses for procrastinating on everything and you have sleeping almost down to a fine art.  Please trust Me, I know you need rest but I know what is better for you than you do.  I will make sure all your needs are met, but you have to spend the time with Me necessary to accomplish your purpose that I have set for you."

So now I realize something I have been hearing but ignoring for a long time.  God allowed a few of the issues to happen but I have made the situations worse with my lousy choices.  Choosing to use excuses like I can't get motivated to get out of bed or exercise, choosing to gain additional weight because of lousy eating habits and inactivity, choosing to procrastinate daily on everything from paying bills to cooking and even some self-care, all of this leading to feelings of worthlessness because of not getting things accomplished.

Granted there are days I feel so bad I don't have the strength to hold my head up or lift my arms but those are the days I should take as "rest days" but even then I could turn the noise off and spend the time with my Creator preparing for the days when I do have the energy to write a blog post or accomplish any other of the numerous tasks I'm sure my family would love to see me do again.

So here what I must determine.....how will I break this cycle...the cycle of "didn't get anything accomplished so I feel worthless.  The feelings of worthlessness made me depressed so I didn't get anything accomplished."

What about you, have you ever dealt with this issue?  How did you handle it?  Is your busyness accomplishing what you want it too?  I'd love to hear your insights and suggestions.


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

When You Wonder About Your Teens Faith

Wow, in a little less than a month my only child, my baby girl will be 18. She has grown up to be a fine young lady, compassionate, kind and intelligent. The biggest thing we are grateful for is her Faith. Last night my only sibling, her uncle who believes in God but has not been saved was here and he was asking us questions about scriptures on relationship issues he is having. It was nice to be able to hear her quote them, along with the location. She was also able to discuss the different Bible apps she had tried for her phone.

She went to a Christian school until fifth grade and attended church, church camps & then Campus Life through high school so I felt she has had a strong foundation but since we have been searching for a new church and she has started attending local college I didn't think she was keeping as close a relationship with God as she had been. It appears, however, prayers are being answered and she is still as willing as ever to discuss her faith and her relationship with God.

Now I guess I need to focus more on making sure I keep up my faith in her and God.